Monday, November 9, 2009

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I'm an Aquarius. By nature we're characterized as being somewhat emotionally detached or unavailable. Now, I'm not one to read into these things too carefully however I'd be hard pressed to deny the validity of this 'assessment'.

I never cared. I mean, not because I didn't want to, I just didn't. I'd talk to different men and get uninterested almost instantly. There'd been times where I would give them my number and regret it moments after. They never held my attention long enough for me to give a damn if they ever called back. I always told myself that
getting emotionally attached or invested in someone was counterproductive, hell even foolish. It didn't make a difference though. I still hadn't found anyone worth my time or energy... until I met him.

We met through work. He'd just graduated college and was looking for a summer job until he found something else more suited to his major. The first time I saw him I wasn't impressed. He was kinda short and kinda skinny. His hair was unkept and his clothes were about 2 sizes too big. Being one to make a first good impression despite the circumstances I introduced myself and welcomed him aboard the team. Little did I know how much of an impact he'd have on my life.

He'd been working at the company for about 2 weeks and I'd gotten to know him somewhat through lunch breaks or business trips/ travelling we were required to do for our positions. I wouldn't say that I caught feeling for him during that time but my opinion of him started to waiver. I overlooked physical attributes I would have
previously deemed less than desirable in my eyes and I became attracted to him. I vaguely recall the first night we had sex (we both had a few drinks before arriving at our destination). It was the first night he came over to my house. He was deathly nervous. I made the first move and I can still remember him shaking as he slid inside me. I never came. He left. The next day at work wasn't hardly as awkward as I thought it'd be. Long story short, our affection for each other grew and shortly thereafter we started seeing each other.

I thought the sex would get better and after awhile it did. It was never great but I could live with that. If it was just about the sex I wouldn't have stayed. It became so much more and quickly blossomed into a passionate, comforting relationship. He made me feel like I've never felt before. I was walking different, talking different... even thinking different. Nothing was ever the same and every moment I was without him I was thinking of him. I'd never cared so deeply and profoundly for another person before. I found myself doing and saying things I never thought I would. I was overwhelmed and confused. I hated not having control over my emotions and I hated feeling dependent on someone else for my happiness... yet... I continued to let down my guards until there were none left. Feeling vulnerable was not something I was accustomed to or comfortable with at all. Ultimately my insecurities
lead to my infidelity. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone I cared for... but I had been unsuccessful in that pursuit. It was hard for a while. It was hard to regain the trust he had lost in me but I loved him even more for forgiving me. I truly was sorry for the pain I had caused. We were able to rebuild and strengthen our relationship and I can say without a doubt I had never been happier.

For now I will spare you with the details of the affair and the demise of the relationship. My heart hurts too much right now to recount memories that are still freshly ingrained into my mind so I will leave you with this...

Is it easier to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? In time I believe it is but right now I will hold my tongue until it is easier to speak. Everything we experience teaches us something and if we listen, really listen we will learn from it. Some lessons are more difficult than others and the challenge that some may bring only make it easier to face more in the future. In time I will be okay and my heart will heal. It has to...

8 comments:

  1. wow.. honestly ive been waiting to read more from you since i found your blog

    its true that its better to have loved then to never have but u will never understand that till the pain is gone.i too know from experience

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  2. Glad to see the blog is alive and well. With that said, you really poured your heart into this post. Regarding the title 'Is It Better To Have Loved & Lost than to Have Never Loved at All', the answer if difficult. For one, I'd say that it is better to have loved and then lose it because people go there entire lives without having someone or even themselves to love and show their affection(s) to. However, with that said, heartbreak and pain is never easy for anyone and I can see why you and others would rather have never been in love from the beginning because it spares you from having to experience something like this.

    From what I read, you really had something for this guy. I am no therapist and I have no recollection of your relationship history, not just with men but with people around you, but it seems as if the infidelity was a result of you not being willing to accept that you had fallen for him (as stupid as that sounds). The remedy to this dilemma? I wish I could tell you but with each individual the answer will vary as we are all different (as corny as that may seem).

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  3. I like your blog. I wish you would post more though. lol.

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  4. Was a big fan of the blog, then i figured you lost interest, but DAMN you went in with this one...if this were a sport, i would say "you left it on the court".

    You can't miss what you never had, but you can't know how good it is either if you never experience it.

    In the short term the pain makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but in time, when wounds heal, you can look back and smile at the beauty that was...

    Glad to see that you're back on your B.S.!!! (blog shit)

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  5. damn, u a slut for cheating on dude. wtf. okay u kind of pretty and all, got somewhat of a body, but u still have that horse face. u fucked up for that.

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  6. Where dis bitch at? -buggz

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