Monday, November 9, 2009

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I'm an Aquarius. By nature we're characterized as being somewhat emotionally detached or unavailable. Now, I'm not one to read into these things too carefully however I'd be hard pressed to deny the validity of this 'assessment'.

I never cared. I mean, not because I didn't want to, I just didn't. I'd talk to different men and get uninterested almost instantly. There'd been times where I would give them my number and regret it moments after. They never held my attention long enough for me to give a damn if they ever called back. I always told myself that
getting emotionally attached or invested in someone was counterproductive, hell even foolish. It didn't make a difference though. I still hadn't found anyone worth my time or energy... until I met him.

We met through work. He'd just graduated college and was looking for a summer job until he found something else more suited to his major. The first time I saw him I wasn't impressed. He was kinda short and kinda skinny. His hair was unkept and his clothes were about 2 sizes too big. Being one to make a first good impression despite the circumstances I introduced myself and welcomed him aboard the team. Little did I know how much of an impact he'd have on my life.

He'd been working at the company for about 2 weeks and I'd gotten to know him somewhat through lunch breaks or business trips/ travelling we were required to do for our positions. I wouldn't say that I caught feeling for him during that time but my opinion of him started to waiver. I overlooked physical attributes I would have
previously deemed less than desirable in my eyes and I became attracted to him. I vaguely recall the first night we had sex (we both had a few drinks before arriving at our destination). It was the first night he came over to my house. He was deathly nervous. I made the first move and I can still remember him shaking as he slid inside me. I never came. He left. The next day at work wasn't hardly as awkward as I thought it'd be. Long story short, our affection for each other grew and shortly thereafter we started seeing each other.

I thought the sex would get better and after awhile it did. It was never great but I could live with that. If it was just about the sex I wouldn't have stayed. It became so much more and quickly blossomed into a passionate, comforting relationship. He made me feel like I've never felt before. I was walking different, talking different... even thinking different. Nothing was ever the same and every moment I was without him I was thinking of him. I'd never cared so deeply and profoundly for another person before. I found myself doing and saying things I never thought I would. I was overwhelmed and confused. I hated not having control over my emotions and I hated feeling dependent on someone else for my happiness... yet... I continued to let down my guards until there were none left. Feeling vulnerable was not something I was accustomed to or comfortable with at all. Ultimately my insecurities
lead to my infidelity. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt someone I cared for... but I had been unsuccessful in that pursuit. It was hard for a while. It was hard to regain the trust he had lost in me but I loved him even more for forgiving me. I truly was sorry for the pain I had caused. We were able to rebuild and strengthen our relationship and I can say without a doubt I had never been happier.

For now I will spare you with the details of the affair and the demise of the relationship. My heart hurts too much right now to recount memories that are still freshly ingrained into my mind so I will leave you with this...

Is it easier to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? In time I believe it is but right now I will hold my tongue until it is easier to speak. Everything we experience teaches us something and if we listen, really listen we will learn from it. Some lessons are more difficult than others and the challenge that some may bring only make it easier to face more in the future. In time I will be okay and my heart will heal. It has to...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sex With The Ex Vs. Sex With The Next

 The right time in which you decide to sexually and emotionally transition between your ex and your next can be difficult to distinguish. I mean, let's be real here folks; after you dead the situation with your former lady/man you're more than liable to still be hittin' them off on the regular regardless, right? Especially if the sex was is good mind blowing great. Other than your relationship meeting it's demise due to conflicts of interest you could very well have no issues being intimate with each other so what's the harm in getting satisfied while you remain single?

 The question is... when is it acceptable to still be having sex with your ex while actively dating? Of course dating is subjective depending on who you're talking to but for the sake of argument let's assume you haven't engaged in sexual relations with anyone you're casually seeing or talking to.

Here's The Scenario...

  • You've been broken up with your ex for a few months and you've been dating other people.
  • You have yet to make a commitment but you've established a mutual interest with someone in particular.
  • You haven't had sex with this person as of yet but you wouldn't mind exploring or entertaining the possibility of doing so at a later date.
  • You feel that if you give up the goods too early your new prospect will classify you as a jumpoff when in reality you would rather establish a relationship and avoid judgement (yes, this logic is flawed but this is real talk).
  • You're not adament to add to your bodycount so the only way you'd be willing to take the L is to be involved with this person in more than just a sexual aspect. (Female logic: I'm not a ho because technically we were dating at the time.)

In this situation is it wrong to hold out on giving up the pussy/dick to your new prospect while still fucking your ex? 

For the fellas: If a female is not giving up the box and you continue to slide off with other... ahem... lady friends, is it as bad as a female who chooses to do the same thing?

Monday, March 23, 2009

"He's Mine; You May Have Had Him Once, But I Got Him All The Time"

 Have we lowered our standards and expectations for the sake of financial security or our seemingly fleeting independence? Is it normal or inevitable for a man to cheat and for us to accept the notion that 'boys will be boys'? In a relationship there's always someone who is feeling the situation more than the other. Whether it be their hesitation or unwillingness to settle down and make a commitment or... well, they're just not that into you.

 This isn't a new phenomenon, nor is it a revelation because women people have been lowering their standards or compromising core principles and ideals for the sake of not being or feeling alone in this world.

 I'll be the first to say that nothing surprises me anymore.  Anyone is capable of doing virtually anything granted they are motivated by selfish aspirations or motives. It might be a defense mechanism on my behalf but I prefer being cautious over being vulnerable and naive. 
In Conclusion...
 Do we no longer care about faithfulness in a relationship as long as we are treated generally well?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

 Not too much today, I was planning on updating with a continuation of my last post but it's still playing out... 

These are from yesterday...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Live Fancy

 I turned the key to lock the door and tossed them in my bag. I walked down the hall towards the elevator and caught a quick glance in the full size mirror adjacent to doors and made sure I made a good first impression. Six inch heels on, check. Lipstick, check. Rain coat, check. As soon as I stepped out into the lobby I could see the white range parked outside waiting for me.
 The rain started to fall creating what looked like frequency static in the headlights of the truck. I hurriedly opened the door to avoid the downpour and slid onto the tan leather seats.
He licks his lips and turns down the system.

 "Damn girl, you really tryna shut shit down huh?"

 "You awwready know what it is. Like a Spike Lee joint, I do the thing right." (Yes, I'm that corny in person but I make it sound sexy.) Yeah, I was not playin' that night. Heels were serious. Fit was crazy tight and shorty was lookin' crazy right. I don't know why I'm going into so much detail though...

 We hit up habibi's, get a few phillies and proceed to head back to the crib. Duke has a very nice set up in the burbs just east of the city and where I stay. Cars lined the street; all his. We pull up next to the caddy and walk up to the front door. 

 Once inside I slip off my shoes and instantly lose a few inches. Standing at almost 5'7 barefoot, I'm ushered into the living room. Upon entering my eyes are immediately drawn to the coffee table adorned with Benjamins Bordens (C-Notes). He must have had at least 50 stacks coolin' between the TV Guide and the daily newspaper. He tells me to make myself comfortable while he goes to check something in the other room. On some mi casa es su casa type shit. For someone to trust you in a room full of paper like that... it's just... wow. He's lucky I'm not an opportunistic hood booger with a false sense of entitlement trying to eat off of someone else's plate. We sit down, smoke a few blunts, watch some EPK's dude put together as well as a few Cam interviews he hadn't seen. We discuss the business and future endeavors. Conversation flows nicely throughout the evening.

 I must have lost track of time because 2am came and left fairly quickly. I had errands to run the following morning so I let him know we needed to roll. The ride home we bumped a few tracks from artists on his label, and one in particular he'd written, produced and performed himself. He's trying to push it within the next few weeks and I'm helping him with the promotion concepts. About 2 blocks from my complex he looks over at me and turns the volume down on the stereo. He clears his throat and shit starts to get real ya'll...

 "You know, I like you... and I want you to ride with me. I want you to stop fucking with other niggas if we're going to do this though. I don't wanna waste my time. I'm gonna take care of you. I'm at a place in my life where I'm on the verge of doing big things and making shit happen. Things are only going to get better from here and I want to take you with me."


To Be Continued...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

"I'm Not Touching Your Dick." (+ Random Flicks)

 So it's a rather uneventful Sunday afternoon and after running errands all morning I decided to hit up my boy boy to see if anything was poppin' that evening. He tells me that ain't shit really goin' down but I was more than welcome to stop by his homie's crib to run some Madden (that is not a double entendre btw), drink a little liquor, maybe twist a L... Anyways, I oblige because ain't nothin' better than getting my swerve on with some Wray And Nephew on the Lord's Day.

 I pull up to the spot and walk around to the back door like I was instructed (dude lives in a basement-apartment type situation). There's 4 or 5 heads congregating around a 27" TV complete with antenna and tin foil (I shit you not). Dudes is sitting on milk crates and empty plaster tubs turned upside down and I could literally smell week old tuna from the kitchenette situated about 25 feet away on the back wall. Shit's disgusting. How anybody can make a conscious choice to live in squalor is beyond my comprehension. At this point I'm extra hesitant to sit down but I find a spot on the couch that appears to be somewhat clean (smh @ me for wearing white pants though).
 After the liquor starts flowing I become more comfortable with my surroundings and start to loosen up and have a good time. My dude, who appears to be intoxicated comes over and sits extremely close to me for no reason. I let it rock because I figure he isn't in the right frame of mind and he isn't crossing any lines. After a while he starts rubbing on my thigh. I expressed to him that that shit made me wild uncomfortable so he stopped. About 5 minutes later he says he's cold and drapes his coat over himself and looks like he's about to knock out. Keep in mind I've never done anything sexual with dude (nor do I plan to start) and his advances came out of left field. I've drank with him before too and this has also never happened.

 We order a pizza and dude is still out cold beside me. Half way through my second slice I look over to check if he's still breathing and he's smiling at me like a jackass. I asked him if he was alright to which he replies "Touch it" and motions for my eyes to follow into his lap underneath his jacket where his dick was hanging out of his boxer shorts (I was not impressed btw). What. The. Fuck. First of all... why are you whipping it out in a room with other dudes sitting in a very close proximity to you? That shit is wild homo. Secondly... what the fuck!?

I need to re-evaluate my platonic friend situation.

My question is... what is the success rate for this method? Does it really work for ya'll? Seriously...

Random pictures I took today...

"Now I Ain't Sayin' She A Gold Digger..."

 What characteristics personify or indefinitely constitute one as being a 'gold digger' and how does this differentiate from an opportunist? I mean, let's be real here, money creates opportunity and opportunities create wealth. Straight up, I'm an opportunist, but I'm also not no damn broke chick (and no, that's not a double negative). Unless dude is in school or under any other extenuating circumstances that justify his pockets touching (subjectively),  I can't fuck with the situation. Shit is just not a good look for a semi established individual like myself. Matter fact, I think the only variable that overrides a dude being broke is if he knows how to fuck. Compensation is a beautiful thing, ya'll, and good dick can be the solution to a plethora of problems. I wouldn't necessarily cuff though.
 With that being said, I don't think I lack the capacity to care for somebody who's money ain't long but if he has no ambition and isn't willing to put in work to get where he should feel like he deserves to be he's extra liable to get 86'd quick-fast. 

On Another Note...

 The "7 Dates on 7 Nights" Chronicles will be discontinued until further notice due to the fact that it's fucking up the game for the kid. At this time I feel that it hinders more than it helps my search for Mr Right Now. I've also been too preoccupied with work (yes, I just pulled the overworked and overstressed card). However, if something post-worthy presents itself (i.e. me smashing), I won't hesitate to divulge.